Helping a Friend with the Big C! (Do's and Don'ts)

It's really difficult at times to find the words to say when someone close is undergoing treatment for cancer. We want to help - but we're not sure we know the best way.

Network member, Kathy Kuipers, has put together a list of do's and don'ts, as well as some great examples of ways she was helped by friends when it was her turn.

We think this is a fabulous list. Wouldn't it be a really useful resource to hand to a friend who says "How can I help?" We intend to prepare a brochure for just this purpose which will include many of Kathy's strategies for helping. If you have some other ideas, please send them to us for consideration.

Do's

• Provide regular meals (if your friend is receiving chemotherapy ask her what she likes to eat)
• Leave cakes and other delights on the doorstep
• Send cards and flowers for no reason!
• Take your favourite bucket, gloves and cleaning materials when you visit and insist on cleaning the bathroom/tidying the kitchen/hanging out the washing/cleaning the windows/making the beds (make sure your friend isn't still in it!)
• Help out in the garden, mowing/taking stuff to the dump/weeding
• Keep your visits short and always ring first
• Be persistent with following your friend up, she needs you
• Give her a hug
• Let her cry and be sad
• Listen
• Let her talk about dying
• Tell her specifically when you are available to be called on and what you can do (lifts to and from treatment/visiting at the hospital/coffee afterwards/emergency childcare/help with the shopping/going to the library...)
• Help her to make a list of people who can help out in an emergency (phone numbers, times and days of availability)
• Lend her trashy novels or mindless magazines!
• Organise outings with groups of friends (without kids!)
• Care for her partner too (ask your partner to meet him for lunch, take him out for a drink, go to the movies)
• Ask after him as well, not just your friend
• Ask him about his fears and his feelings (scary, I know!)
• Hang in there for the long haul, treatment goes on for months!

Don'ts

• Tell her about the latest cure you have heard about (she's probably already been told about it by five other people)
• Say things like "there must be some reason for this" "everything will turn out well in the end" "you look good" (Yeah, yeah, sure!)
• Tell her all your other cancer horror stories
• Tell her all the ways she ought to be modifying her diet/changing her lifestyle/doing more relaxation (it's hard enough getting out of bed in the morning without thinking about changing anything)
• Give up on her or stop ringing
• Be offended if she doesn't get back to you (life may be overwhelming and energy lacking)
• Be afraid of taking the first step and offering to help out, have a cuppa; a chat or whatever
• Be afraid that you "won't know what to say" - be yourself, that is your gift to someone whose life is changing
• Accept "I'm fine" when you ask how she or her partner are!
• Say "call me anytime" or "if there's anything you need..." rather be specific, "I will bring you a meal on Tuesdays" "I will pick your child up from preschool" "I will baby-sit your child while you have a nap" etc. (it can be incredibly difficult to ask for help)

Some of the good things that friends gave me:

• A special celebration morning tea on the day I finished chemo
• Wonderful meals (and desserts!)
• One group of friends all wore hats on an outing when I had no hair!
• Encouragement to keep going when I wanted to give up
• Cleaning the bathroom, cleaning windows, hanging up the washing (a problem after surgery that reduces the strength and endurance of arm movement), pushing the shopping trolley
• A week's holiday at a resort!!
• Many treasured gifts such as a special teacup, books, beautifully fragrant soap, a massage each week.